S3 Episode 11: Accountability is Sexier Than it Sounds
Episode Summary
Accountability in a relationship is often overlooked, and yet it is a crucial aspect to a healthy partnership. When two people decide to be accountable to one another it builds trust, intimacy and security. Accountability should be a two-way street. Both partners need to clearly define the expectations of their relationship and make a commitment to honor those expectations.
When there is accountability in a relationship, each individual is making a conscious effort to not violate the mutually agreed upon terms. A partner that sticks to their word is demonstrating respect for their partner as well as the relationship. By owning the consequences of your words and actions, you signal maturity, empathy and self-awareness.
Do not accept a relationship where your partner violates prior commitments and then refuses to take ownership of the consequences caused by their behavior. Practice self-preservation and walk away from these selfish and self-centered individuals.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss when a person enables their partner’s addiction or mental illness.
Show Notes
So many people feel like accountability is corporate in nature, but the reality is, accountability is sexy. The 3 C’s of accountability are clarity, commitment, and consequences. You need to be clear on your boundaries and expectations from your partner and the relationship. You both also need to agree on the terms of your commitments.
You also need to account for the consequences of your actions and decisions. When you honor your agreement, it develops trust and intimacy between you and your partner. For example, if you both agree on your spending and stick to it, it increases the strength of your relationship.
Accountability also reinforces security. It shows you can trust that your partner will follow through on what they say they will do. It brings a sense of comfort to the relationship you might not have otherwise. Conversely, when you don’t do what you said you would, it can hurt the relationship.
It’s not about your partner telling you what to do or not to do just for the sake of it. These are reciprocal agreements you make with your chosen partner. Generally, people who choose not to be accountable are selfish and self-centered.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When someone enables their partner’s mental illness or addiction without getting them help. This is a serious and very frustrating situation. Making excuses for harmful behavior makes the behavior seem like it’s acceptable when it’s not. It’s not a sign of love, it’s a sign of co-dependency. If you know someone is suffering, it’s imperative to get them professional help.
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Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
Today's episode, Accountability is Sexier Than it Sounds.
Lis:
Oh, it's so sexy.
Marlee:
You know. It is.
Lis:
It's sexy.
Marlee:
I think that a lot of people see accountability as something that's almost corporate in nature, but it's not.
Accountability is a huge aspect of a successful relationship.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
I want to start off by explaining, there's three Cs that make up accountability.
Lis:
Uhoh, the three Cs.
Marlee:
The three Cs, clarity…
Lis:
Not the same three Cs I was thinking of.
Marlee:
Oh, I want to hear your three Cs, but mine are clarity, commitment, and consequences.
You need to be clear what your boundaries and expectations are from your partner and from the relationship.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
You each need to agree on the terms of the commitment that you're making to one another, whether it's a sexual commitment, an emotional commitment, a financial commitment, whatever it is.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And you need to account for the consequences of your decisions and actions.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
You owe it to yourself and your partner. So remember: clarity, commitment, and consequences. These are the important sort of points behind accountability. I don't know about you Lis, but I firmly believe that partners, at least mine, he loves it when he feels that I have honored whatever agreement we've made.
Lis:
Of course.
Marlee:
Right? Because trust is not only developed between us, but also intimacy grows because we know that we're accountable to one another.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
So let's say for example, we decide to set a budget.
Lis:
Exactly. Yes.
Marlee:
You know what I mean?
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
If we both agree, we're not going to spend on certain unnecessary items and then we both stick to it, it does nothing but increase the strength of our relationship.
Lis:
Yeah, of course.
Marlee:
Right? While if we had made the commitment to one another and then one of us violated it behind the other person's back. It feels like such a slap in the face.
Lis:
Yeah. No.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
No, I mean, listen, like I think taking responsibility for your own actions and then understanding how they affect your partner and the people around you, it is sexy.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And I think that you know, you taking ownership of your actions and I mean, it can be used in so many ways.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Like you just said, I mean, it's a commitment to your words. It's being open to compromise on certain things that are happening.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
It's learning to apologize in the correct way.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
I mean, there's so many different ways that you can take responsibility in your relationship.
Marlee:
Well, you're taking ownership.
You know what I mean?
Lis:
And that's right.
Marlee:
You're willing to answer to your partner for any outcome caused by your behavior, your choices, right?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
You're taking personal responsibility.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
But you're also saying, I am accountable not only to myself, but to you as well.
Lis:
You own your actions. That's right.
Marlee:
And I will say that when you take accountability, you feel an obligation to your relationship and to your partner, and it also reinforces security.
Lis:
Yeah. Of course it does.
Marlee:
You know what I mean? I know that when somebody follows through and actually does what they say they're going to do, I feel emotionally much more secure.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And I can be more vulnerable as a result.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Right.
Lis:
Yep. I mean, I love that, and I think you've also brought up the word comfort in the past.
Marlee:
Yep.
Lis:
And I think that that's such a great word, even to use when you're talking about a conflict.
Marlee:
Like I love that.
Lis:
When you take accountability…you know, you're right.
Marlee:
When you take accountability on, right?
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
When you are willing to do that for your partner. I agree. I think it is an instant feeling of comfort.
Lis:
Yeah. I mean, it's like a load off, you know.
Marlee:
It reinforces it. Yes.
Lis:
You know that you have somebody that you can trust.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Is everything. You know that they're going to be accountable to you.
You're going to be accountable to them. And I know we've talked about this in the past too, but of course it's a two-way street.
Marlee:
It absolutely is. I mean, listen, when you offer your partner a commitment, you need to stick to the agreed upon terms.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
You just do.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
You don't get to like agree to something and then do something different.
It's such a violation.
Lis:
Of course, because like you said…
Marlee:
It's a violation of boundaries. It's trust, it's actions, and you're right, and you also have to be accountable for what you do and what you say, and you have to be willing to explain it to your partner.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Right? I mean, there are times when, yes, I very much want to buy yet another pair of black shoes, and even though…
Lis:
They're totally different than the ones you already bought.
Marlee:
That's right. And even though I know I shouldn't, right. I don't go behind my husband's back and buy them. Right. I actually approach him and I try to explain what you just said, how different this particular pair of black boots is from the other ten pairs.
Lis:
And you tried them on naked and you're just like, look how different they are.
Marlee:
So, you know my technique. No, but you see, that would mean I would've had to like purchase them and then that would mean I'd be violating my commitment to honoring our budget.
Lis:
Alright.
Marlee:
No, but, but you get what I mean, like I will explain why I am planning to do something or why I want to do something. And again, having an agreement doesn't mean it can't change.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Or be altered, but as long as both people agree.
Lis:
Well, and that's such a great point that you just made because it's not about somebody telling you that you can't do something.
Marlee:
That’s right.
Lis:
It's about having a committed conversation to say, this is what we're having a dialogue about and this is going to be our actions and accountability to each other.
Marlee:
That’s right. It's mutual.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
It's reciprocal. I agree. You chose your partner, you chose to intertwine your life with them and to share every aspect of your life, right? Your physical life. Your emotional life, your mental life. Right. So it's completely reasonable to expect them to be accountable to you.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
And it's completely reasonable for them to expect you to be accountable to them.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
Right?
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
And I will tell you people who don't believe they should be accountable to their partners, because they're a lot of people out there. They are almost always incredibly selfish, abusive and immature. I think that. I think they lack the understanding that every choice and decision that they make actually does impact both people in the relationship.
Lis:
Well, both people, potentially children.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
It's a snowball effect.
Marlee:
It is, right.
Lis:
I think sometimes it starts off as like something very small and then escalates.
Marlee:
I can't tell you how many times I have heard in other people's relationships where somebody will do something, say something, spend something, whatever it is, and they refuse to take accountability for it.
And when their partner calls them out, they get outraged…
Lis:
Or defensive.
Marlee:
That someone would call them out.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
It amazes me. So I had a girlfriend, they were saving for a house. And her husband went behind her back and bought a boat. And didn't tell her.
Lis:
What?
Marlee:
And didn't tell her. I don't know how she found out, I think like from reviewing the insurance policy, but when she then approached him and said, we agreed we were going to take our money and we were going to save it to be able to buy a house.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And he just, he didn't understand why she was upset.
Lis:
Yeah. Because now he has to live on the boat.
Marlee:
Yeah. No. Right. And then he got mad at her for having the gull to call him out, you know? And she actually called me. She's like, was I wrong? I'm like, of course you weren't wrong.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
I'm like, are you kidding me?
Lis:
Wow.
Marlee:
But this is such a common problem. And I think a lot of people don't recognize that your partner owes it to you.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
To be accountable to you.
Lis:
Absolutely.
Marlee:
You know, accountability in a relationship, it allows everyone to build a life together. To take a teamwork approach. Because it's true if you just want to live on your own. And I even said that to her.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
I said, if he thinks that he can just unilaterally make a decision, to change the plan…
Lis:
Big decision too.
Marlee:
Of how you guys were going to be spending your money, to buy a boat. I said to her, I said, that is such a red flag.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
I said, I think you need to just get out of this relationship because this is a very selfish, immature person who just wanted a toy.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
He wanted a toy and he wanted it now. I want my toy now and you can't tell me, you know, forget it.
Lis:
Can you not see like the fist fly?
Marlee:
Yeah. I mean, what a loser. I'm sorry. And that's what I mean. I do think that accountability and maturity go hand in hand.
Lis:
I think so too.
Marlee:
I do. I think you have to have a certain level of maturity to be accountable to yourself and to your partner. And I would say that the number one reason people are not accountable to their partner is because they are so incredibly immature.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When Someone Enables Their Partner's Mental Illness or Addiction Without Getting Them Help.
Lis:
Okay, so this one's actually a serious vent.
Marlee:
Yes. But it is a vent nonetheless.
Lis:
It is. Because actually it's really frustrating when you're out on the outside watching this kind of behavior happen.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
So obviously enabling is a huge red flag. I feel like enabling begins. Usually as a good effort to support a loved one who may be having a hard time like you want to give them like the props and the praise and you can come out of this or you know, it's not that bad, like let's talk through this.
But usually when someone you care about engages in unhealthy behavior, it can be natural to make excuses for them or cover up their actions as a way to protect them.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
But making excuses for harmful behavior, you're probably just reinforcing the behavior. And making them feel like they're acceptable when they're not.
What you need to do when you empower someone that you love, you're giving them the tools that they need to overcome or move beyond the challenges that they're facing. So, for example, give them the information about mental health professionals in the area that can really guide them and help them instead of trying to make them feel like they can do this on their own because most of the time they probably can't.
Marlee:
Right. No, absolutely. I mean, look, so I think those are all very good points. Mine are, maybe a little more, harsh.
Lis:
Well, but that's, you know, I think being direct, I think that it's okay. I think that this is a really, really hard topic because when you care about somebody, you want them to be successful and want them to do the work themselves.
So take it away.
Marlee:
Yeah. I mean, look, I see this as like a sort of tough love, my vents.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
It's not a sign of love, but a sign of codependency when somebody enables.
Lis:
You’re right, you're right.
Marlee:
But especially when there's mental illness or addiction, I think it's unfair if there are other members of the family impacted, like children.
Lis:
Ugh. Yes.
Marlee:
It'll create anger and resentment from these other family members that are impacted certainly when they're young and you better believe it when they get older.
Lis:
You got it.
Marlee:
And they recognize how much it influenced their childhood.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
To expose children to damaging behaviors that are unhealthy and disruptive to the family dynamic, just for the sake of staying together is never a good reason.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
You're sacrificing your family's wellbeing and the addict's wellbeing for the sake of harmony or false hope.
Lis:
You're right. You're totally right.
Marlee:
I personally think it's a form of abuse in the relationship. Sort of like what you said, if you know that somebody is suffering from mental illness or addiction, you need to get them professional help.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And you need to convince them that they cannot necessarily manage this on their own.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
If you just keep allowing them to follow the status quo and sort of cover up for them.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
It doesn't help anybody.
Lis:
Nope.
Marlee:
I think it's just such a bad idea. It keeps the person dependent on the partner that's allowing the addiction or the mental illness. And I think if the person is purposely trying to keep that individual dependent on them, that is a huge red flag.
Lis:
You nailed it. Yes.
Marlee:
I think it's a violation of boundaries and of trust. I really do. When you just keep enabling a person in very destructive behaviors.
Lis:
Well, they're exposing their vulnerabilities to you and by you not helping them…Ugh, yes. You got it. I hear you.
Marlee:
It's usually a sign that both partners are in a very dysfunctional relationship. And it often stops the person who desperately needs treatment from getting help. It's counterproductive. Absolutely. And unfortunately, I think often enabling is used to cover up the enabler’s own addiction issues or mental or emotional health issues.
Lis:
Wow. Yes.
Marlee:
They almost let the person who's got it worse be front and center stage so that then what's going on with them isn't as obvious to others.
Lis:
Nothing to see here. Smoke and mirrors.
Marlee:
That's right. Exactly. You got it.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
I think unfortunately it creates a very unhealthy generational pattern. I think that children that see this. They end up in relationships that follow the exact same behavior, they become enablers themselves.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And I think that it can cause the partnership or family to end up in really bad circumstances: debt, homelessness, or even something as dangerous as being exposed to other individuals who are very mentally ill or addicted and behave in very erratic or un predictable ways.
Lis:
That’s right
Marlee:
So for me, this really is a serious one, but I think too often people do not want to accept the truth because dealing with mental illness and addiction is really hard. It's very destructive. And so many people just clinging to hope, they just, they just kind of tread water.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And what you don't realize, and what they don't realize is that's not helping anybody.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
Treading water, eventually you get too tired and you drown.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
It's just that simple.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com.
Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released. Also make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify.
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