S4 Episode 4: Acceptance is Not the Same as Forgiveness
Episode Summary
Every relationship will have its trials and tribulations; feelings will be hurt, boundaries will be violated, and trust will be tested. How you choose to react to those transgressions will determine the fate of the relationship. You may be willing to forgive a partner’s behavior, but that does not mean you will accept the consequences that arise from their actions.
Acceptance of a partner’s flaws, past or baggage is very different from accepting disrespectful or abusive behavior. Moreover, you may be willing to forgive your partner’s behavior or actions without ever fully accepting the impact it had on you and your relationship. Unfortunately, refusal to accept something will often result in the same issues reappearing in the relationship.
The decision to forgive and/or accept is yours alone. Sometimes it is easier to forgive or accept your partner than it is to forgive or accept yourself. The more self-aware you become, the more the issue of acceptance and forgiveness can have a significant impact on your romantic relationships. When you learn to accept the past instead of letting it define you, you increase your sense of self-worth.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss uncovering infidelity in a friend’s relationship.
Show Notes
People often use the term “acceptance” and “forgiveness” interchangeably, but they are actually two very distinct concepts—especially in a romantic relationship. There are things, big and small, your partner may do which you can’t forgive. However, you get to decide if you’re going to accept it or not.
Acceptance can be much more difficult than forgiveness, and once you accept something, you can’t take it back. That’s why acceptance takes a lot of practice. The thing both concepts have in common is that they can be freeing when you embrace them. Acceptance means you’re at peace with your decision.
Accepting something is moving on from the event or experience and not letting it define your future. Forgiveness is something you let go of and let live in the past. It’s also not just about accepting the shortcomings of other people. We’re all capable of bad behavior, so sometimes it comes down to accepting ourselves.
A lasting relationship starts with accepting yourself first. From there, you can decide if you can accept your partner’s behavior or not. If you have difficulty doing this, it may be a sign that the relationship is actually not the right fit for you.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When you know about a friend’s partner’s infidelity. It becomes a moral dilemma between protecting your friend and not interfering in their relationship. It puts you in an unwinnable situation. If you say something, it might end the friendship. If you don’t, you have to carry a painful secret.
Please make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they are released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook.
Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
On today's episode, Acceptance is Not the Same as Forgiveness. Oh, Lis. So as you can imagine, Ms. Marlee is not the most forgiving person.
Lis:
No.
Marlee:
I'm putting it out there right at the beginning. I'm just not, it's just not particularly in my personality.
I am though very good at accepting things and that's why I wanted to talk about that there is a difference because I do think people often use one term for the other.
Lis:
Oh yeah. They think it's interchangeable.
Marlee:
They think it's interchangeable. And it is not, they are two very distinct concepts, especially in a romantic relationship.
Lis:
Sure.
Marlee:
So I mean, look, this is what I will say. There are things that your partner can do that you will not forgive, and that's okay.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
But you will have to accept the consequences of that particular thing or behavior.
Lis:
Mm-hmm.
Marlee:
Right.
Lis:
You're right.
Marlee:
And so you get to decide if you're going to accept a certain behavior, past actions, or conditions that your partner places on your relationship.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Right? Acceptance is more difficult than forgiveness, because once you do accept something though, you can't go back.
Lis:
I know.
Marlee:
You can't change it.
Lis:
You feel like you have to keep accepting though. That's I think like where people get a little bit, like they feel like, oh, they've forgiven me, but then they keep doing it over and over again.
You know what I mean? Because oh, well they've accepted this behavior in the past.
Marlee:
Well, so there's that. But I would look at it in a different way. I would say that once you've forgiven somebody, you can't keep bringing it up.
Lis:
Oh no, you have to move on.
Marlee:
You have to move on.
Lis:
That has to stay in the past.
You have to be willing to let go of it.
Marlee:
You have to accept that you can't bring it up again. I see your face and I'm guilty of it as well.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
I do this all the time.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
I feel bad for my husband because I do this all of the time. I will forgive him for something he's done and for the first month or two, I'll bite my tongue and I'll be like, okay, I'm accepting it.
I'm accepting it. And then I'll bring it up during an argument.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And he'll be like, I already apologized.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And you accepted my apology.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
You said we were going to move on. And you know what? Every time he does it, he shuts me up. I was like, oh, he remembered. You know? And so, listen, acceptance takes a lot of practice.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
I think that acceptance is so much more difficult than forgiveness. I think that forgiveness, and again, I'm speaking as a person who, again, is a non-forgiver, but I do think that for many people, forgiveness is something that they are willing to give, especially over time.
Lis:
Yeah. I think sometimes you have to earn forgiveness.
Marlee:
Yes. But for me, acceptance, while it is incredibly difficult, I feel it frees you. I feel that when you do accept something, and I know for me, I'm a person who sort of cycles through my emotions. And I have to, when something's really upset me, I have to cycle through it a few times before I finally accept it.
Lis:
The difference stages of Marlee.
Marlee:
The different stages of Marlee. That's right. And once I've accepted it though, and it might take a few months. Like again, I'm not going to say it's going to be instantaneous.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
But once I have accepted it and I'm sort of like, okay, it's done. I'm putting it in the back drawer.
I've accepted it. It is what it is. You know? Because listen, anytime trust is broken in a relationship…You can forgive, but it's really hard to accept the consequences usually.
Lis:
Okay, so the way you just said that really kind of came full circle to me because it's true and I think that so many people get tied to the forgive and forget.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
It’s kind of a thing like where okay. I've forgiven you. Like we're forgetting it. Like that rarely happens.
Marlee:
I mean, look, when I'm talking about this, when I talk about an indiscretion, I'm usually talking about some type of, infidelity.
Lis:
Right, of course.
Marlee:
And obviously though there are other issues.
Lis:
Yeah, of course. Yeah.
Marlee:
But I would say that even if you forgive the infidelity, I think that you just will never fully accept the consequences, which are the loss of trust, the loss of intimacy, the anger, the hurt. As a result, that's why I think so many relationships once there is infidelity. It is incredibly hard for those relationships to recover.
Lis:
Even the strongest relationships.
Marlee:
Even the strongest relationships.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
And even if they accept that this is what happened, I think it just is a permanent shift in the relationship.
Lis:
No, I think that's got to be a really hard to get to that point of, I mean, the forgiveness piece of it I think is really difficult, but I totally agree with you that I think the acceptance piece of it, because I think a lot of people then have to accept whether or not they played a part in that too.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
The dynamic is so complex and obviously it's so different for every single relationship.
Marlee:
Yes. No, absolutely. Acceptance means you have to be at peace with your decision. Right? To either stay with the person or stay in the relationship or reject the person.
And the relationship and all that comes with that. You know what I mean?
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
And listen it. It also comes down to like your wants and needs. You have to be able to accept if a partner, forget indiscretions, right? A partner just can't meet your wants or needs.
Lis:
That's right. Yeah.
Marlee:
Again, you're going to have to make the hard decision to say, I probably have to leave this relationship. You have to accept it because you're not being fair to yourself and you're not being fair to the other person.
Lis:
No, exactly.
Marlee:
I truly think that it'll eat away at you if you keep going in a relationship where you know that it's the wrong fit for you.
Lis:
Yeah. I mean, listen, like I feel like accepting something is not letting something that's happened in the past define your future, right?
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
So it's kind of a, you have to be able to move on from something where like forgiveness for me is something that you're letting it live in the past. Like you're letting go of it, right?
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And you have to make that kind of definite like line in the sand.
Marlee:
I agree. And you know what? Even if you yourself are the one who made the mistake, you have to be able to forgive yourself and you have to take personal responsibility, right, for any actions or words or behaviors. You know, but you also have to accept the consequences of your choices, right?
Lis:
That's right. And you know what, I think that's such a good point because I feel like when we talk about things like forgiveness and acceptance, I feel like it's always towards the other person. It's always pointing a finger and at somebody else.
Marlee:
That's right.
Lis:
I think it's so important to realize that everybody has the capability of making an inappropriate action, or you know, having an inappropriate behavior that has hurt somebody else.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
And that's why really being able to sincerely apologize and all of the things that you've talked about and that we've talked about together, I think kind of come full circle here because you really have to own your part and take personal responsibility.
Marlee:
Oh my gosh, yes.
Lis:
And yeah, I mean this is crucial.
Marlee:
You have to accept your own shortcomings and your own demons, right?
Lis:
You do. Yeah. But it's not common, and so many people don't.
Marlee:
So many people don’t. Right. But you need to…
Lis:
Well, because it's easier to point fingers, right?
Marlee:
Well, of course.
Lis:
It's easier to say, I've done this because of something else and make it about somebody else really when it was you.
Marlee:
No, you are right. I mean, look, we had a whole episode about deciding to accept your partner's baggage and whether or not you want to take it on.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
But it's the same thing. It’s a two-way street. Your partner has the choice to accept your baggage.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And the truth is, you need to accept your own baggage.
Lis:
And understand it.
Marlee:
Yes, exactly. And understand it, right?
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Because if you don't, you'll never be able to be in a truly healthy relationship. I really believe that. If you are having difficulty accepting yourself, how can you expect another person to accept you? If you're having a difficult time forgiving yourself for something you've done, how can you expect another person to forgive you?
Lis:
Great points.
Marlee:
I mean, so it has to start with you.
Lis:
Yes.
Marlee:
Before you can make it about somebody else. But I will also tell you though, if you are having difficulty accepting your partner's behavior, their belief systems, their wants or their needs, it's a signal that this relationship is just not a good fit for you. I really believe that.
Lis:
Wait, you just made such a great point because, you know, I mean, my head kept going to the infidelity piece of it, but there's so much more and I think…
Marlee:
Oh yeah.
Lis:
You know, I mean, talk about politics or religious beliefs and I think that…
Marlee:
How would you rear children, your financial philosophies…
Lis:
All of that, like all of these things, right?
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And you have to accept it. You have to, if you want to keep moving on in your relationship.
Marlee:
That's right. And again, it's a two-way street.
Lis:
Yes. Right.
Marlee:
If your partner can't accept your behavior, your beliefs, your wants, or your needs, again, it's a red flag.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It means it's not a good fit in the relationship.
And so I do think that forgiveness has a place in a relationship. I think it's healthy to be able to forgive your partner because like you said, we're all guilty of doing things.
Lis:
We're all guilty.
Marlee:
And I think it's incredibly important to be able to accept your partner. But I do believe that it is very hard to practice acceptance of another person if you can't accept yourself.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. Today's topic, When You Know About a Friend's Partners Infidelity.
Lis:
Ooh.
Marlee:
Yeah. This is an uncomfortable one.
Lis:
This one's a icky.
Marlee:
Yeah, it's a icky, but I need to vent about it.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Because I think that this is a lot more common than people want to admit. And I think that it triggers things in us, even though we're not the one engaging in the behavior.
Lis:
Well, and when you live in a small community, it's not as though a lot of things remain secret. Right?
Marlee:
No it's so true. So would you like to start or do you want me to start?
Lis:
Oh, go for it.
Marlee:
So I'm going to start off by saying it becomes a moral dilemma because you want to protect your friend, but you don't want to interfere in their relationship.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It creates feelings of shame, embarrassment, discomfort, and guilt in you and in your friend if they find out that you knew about the infidelity.
Lis:
Yeah, I know. Yes
Marlee:
If you say something, it often ends the friendship because the person who's being cheated on either doesn't believe you, or they don't want to admit the truth to themselves, or they blame you for bringing that information to them, or they accuse you of trying to destroy the relationship when what you were trying to do was a good thing.
Lis:
Nope. Ding ding. Yeah. Right there.
Marlee:
The partner that is cheating will be angry with you that you ratted them out, and will resent your interference and often try to put the blame on you or claim that you're lying, right? So they try to discredit you.
Lis:
Of course.
Marlee:
And I think there are times where even it can put your own safety in danger.
Lis:
Yeah. Right.
Marlee:
Because you might be opening up a can of worms that you didn't know you opened, and the person might have deep, dark secrets that are going to get revealed.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
They're going to put their anger towards you. I don't know. I'm just saying I've watched a lot of TV.
Lis:
Yeah. Or the person that they're cheating with.
You never know that it's psycho body killer, right?
Marlee:
Yeah, absolutely. Okay. When you learn about other people's infidelities, you can start to become paranoid about your own relationship.
Lis:
Okay.
Marlee:
It puts you into an unwinnable position.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
If you say something, you risk losing your friend. If you don't say something, you're keeping a painful secret from a person that you care about.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
Moreover, I think if you have an issue with infidelity that you've personally experienced, it can trigger you emotionally and it can impact your mental and emotional wellbeing. And I also think it can impact your judgment because of your own experiences.
Lis:
Yeah. That's right.
Marlee:
You could know about the cheating because you are the person your friend's partner is cheating with.
Lis:
Oh, you went dark there. Alright.
Marlee:
So you would not be motivated to say anything. But I think this is often what happens. Relationships start out of couple friendships. I'm just saying. And then finally, I think that it can really destroy the trust that you develop between you and your friend, not because it was intentional.
But I just think that when you make people feel very vulnerable, they start to question the boundaries. And if you violated a boundary without realizing it, the trust gets destroyed.
Lis:
Yeah. No. Oh, wow.
Marlee:
So those are mine.
Lis:
No, those are all really good. And I think, oh, this is such a, well, actually cheating is such a touchy subject.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
I was going to say, this is such a touchy subject in general, but I think you have to consider your relationship with the people involved and act accordingly. So how close are you with this person? How close are you with their friend?
Marlee:
Right.
Lis:
You know, or with their partner. Is this something that you witnessed or is this something that you heard through the grapevine from somebody else?
Because then I think then just spewing hearsay to your friend, all of the things that you talked about, the shame and the embarrassment and all of those kinds of things, it might not even be true.
Marlee:
Absolutely.
Lis:
And then you're kind of just putting out, not true facts. I think you actually have to consider if there are other people involved, such as children, because giving this type of information when there's kids involved, I mean, you're forcing this particular friend to make a decision one way or the other.
And that can be really complicated. And like you said, that can definitely ruin a friendship because maybe they don't want to have to make that choice. Right?
Marlee:
Good point.
Lis:
I think take the time. Don't lash out at the person's significant other. Like don't just go gangbuster after them.
Marlee:
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Lis:
Like you've seen those like where you just get out of the car and you just like start screaming at the other person. Definitely don't spread the word to other friends.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
Like this is more just advice and, and you know, like, don't do that. And I think speak with your friend and see if you can gather if there's anything going on in the relationship.
This news, maybe if they say, yeah, you know, things haven't been great for a while. Maybe this is something that could actually set them free from a bad relationship. So try to see if you can have a conversation with your friend first and gather where they're standing in their current partnership.
Marlee:
That is a brilliant point. I love that.
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com. Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released.
Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify. Reviews let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.