Accept Your Partner has Baggage: That Does Not Mean You Have to Help Them Carry it

00:00

Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective. Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve. 

00:30 

It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated. 

Marlee:

Today's topic, Accept that Your Partner has Baggage. That Does Not Mean You Have to Help Them Carry it. 

Lis:

Yeah.

Marlee: Okay, so Lis, I know you work out. I want to understand, have you ever helped carry an ex's baggage?

00:54

Lis:

Oh my gosh. Well, first, let me start off by saying, I think that every single person that comes into a relationship has baggage. Whether or not they want to admit it to themselves or their partner, and I think that so many people have put blinders on when it comes to other people's baggage. I think that's a way that they've been raised and it's something that you're just supposed to accept the baggage that people have. Yes, I have definitely taken on some other partner’s baggage, but I'm going to say that I think when I was in the relationship, I don't even think that I realized that I was taking it on until I left the relationship.

01:42

Marlee:

Interesting. 

Lis:

I think that I have become romancipated over time. Because I think that I've learned from the past and now I know more of what to look for and I don't necessarily fall into those kinds of traps. I think we're always learning new things and trying some different things out. But I will say that yes, I think I definitely fell into a category of old ways.

02:11

I was just accepting behavior because that was the way it was. 

Marlee:

Okay. So I think it's interesting that you talked about how you used to accept things because I can tell you that any time I encountered an ex's baggage, I refused to be a luggage handler. 

Lis:

Oh, okay. 

Marlee:

Yeah. I was that person who was like, I packed light.

02:40

I have a carry on. You're the one who packed two bags, you know, for a three-day vacation. 

Lis:

Yep. 

Marlee:

You're the one carrying it. You know what I mean? That was always a really important thing for me. 

Lis:

So did you notice these things right away? Because I feel like I didn't. 

Marlee:

I'll give you an example of obvious baggage. 

03:03

And we'll kind of address that one first, because I do think there's obvious baggage and then I think there's less obvious baggage. So I dated a gentleman who had children from a previous relationship. And I made it very clear at this point in my life, I didn't want children, and while I respected that he was a father and I wanted him to spend time with his children and I wasn't going to interrupt his time with them or demand that he somehow ignore them and spend time with me.

03:38

Lis:

Sure. 

Marlee:

I didn't want the obligation of his children. I didn't want to have to take care of them. I didn't want to have to pay for them in any way because we did end up living together. 

Lis:

Ah-huh. 

Marlee:

And when the children would come for his time, you know, he shared custody. 

Lis:

Yep. 

04:00

Marlee:

I made sure that obviously, they had a place to sleep. They ate food. It's not like I wrote him out a bill, you know what I mean? But I also, made sure to let him know that any extra costs that we were, as a couple, incurring, because his children were staying with us, that he was going to have to throw extra into the pot. 

04:22

You know what I mean? Because we very much shared expenses. 

Lis:

Okay. 

Marlee:

I took the attitude of like, it's not my obligation, right? They're not my children. I played with them. I talked with them, I helped them with homework. You know what I mean? I bought them presents. 

Lis:

I was going to say those were your choice.

04:38

Marlee:

Yeah, but I didn't feel I needed to support them. It was important to me to set those boundaries with him. 

Lis:

And how did he feel about that? 

Marlee:

You know, at first when we were less serious, he seemed very cool with it. As we got more serious, I definitely remember multiple conversations, maybe some a little heated. 

04:58

Where he was starting to take me for granted. He expected me to act like another parent to these kids. I, didn't feel I was capable at the time. I was a lot younger. I didn't have any experience with children. I didn't feel I was capable of doing it. 

Lis: 

Sure. 

Marlee:

And also, As I said, I didn't think it was my place. 

05:19

These children already had two parents. They didn't need me as well. I might have been like another responsible adult, but I wasn't going to be one of their caretakers. 

Lis:

Well, and you used a great word expectation, right? It's when the baggage becomes an expectation rather than a choice.

05:37

Marlee:

That's right. And exactly. Thank you. I had been very clear what my boundaries were. And as we got more serious, our boundaries did evolve. I mean, I certainly did take a more active role sometimes in helping him take care of the children, right? 

05:56

But at the same time, I'm not going to tell you that there wasn't some resentment on my part. Because there was, because they weren't mine. 

Lis:

Right. And I think that that's a really good example. I think that's super fair and I think that so many people out there do go through things like that. Especially when you know, you meet up with somebody that does have another past partner or a past relationship and you're bringing children into it. 

06:24

I think that's huge. You have to really be a strong person, be able to set your boundaries and really take personal responsibility. I think that not a lot of people are very good at doing that. 

Marlee:

I mean, well, listen, I felt it was important that he understood my position and while I was empathetic to his position.

06:45

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

Certainly, being a single father and, you know, wanting the children to become close to me because he cared so much for me. 

Lis:

Sure. I get it. 

Marlee:

At the same time, I wasn't the marrying type back then, and I didn't think I would marry him, and I didn't think I wanted to be a stepmother, so I didn't really want to get as attached to the children. 

07:07

Does that make sense? Because yeah, I didn't per se see us as having a future together. So I was not just being focused on myself and practicing self-preservation. I was also thinking about these children as well because I didn't want to mislead them and have their emotions get played with. 

07:27

That was an example of like a very obvious obligation. Right. I've also experienced maybe a less obvious obligation, but a very real one. I have dated men with debt. 

Lis:

Which is also, okay, so we're, we're hitting on two biggies because that is also such a huge thing that well, children are visible. So you see children, correct?

07:52

Marlee:

Yes, yes. 

Lis: 

Debt is not so visible, so that is actually a trickier one because, yeah, no, you actually, until that person trusts you with their debt, and also is honest about what that debt actually is. You are kind of in gray space.

Marlee:

Yeah, no, you're, you are a hundred percent correct and like I said, I can think of a particular guy that I dated and we had very different financial profiles and he carried a lot of school debt. 

08:26

Student loans, which I think is actually normal. And you know, as a result, he never asked me to take on his debt. I've never had that experience but his debt impacted our relationship because I'd want to go places to eat and he'd be like… 

08:48

Lis:

Yeah. You had a certain lifestyle. Like you wanted sushi and he wanted ramen. 

Marlee:

Exactly. You know what I mean? Or I'd want to go on a trip somewhere and I knew he couldn't afford it. And it was interesting because we'd have a lot of conversations about it and, and sometimes I'd feel resentful towards him because of it.

09:06 

Sometimes he’d feel resentful towards me. But ultimately, we got to a place where we kind of agreed that when we wanted something, it wasn't reciprocal because I had a better financial situation than him, when I wanted to gift him something like if he was having a hard time paying rent because we ended up living together. 

09:30

Uh, yeah, I have cohabited with quite a few men. Um, you know, I would maybe like gift him a month of rent, but when I did it, I was doing it because I wanted to be supportive. And I wanted to help him move out of his debt, but I did it knowing that I was not going to be repaid or I did it without the expectation.

09:53

Lis:

Well, you said of repayment. I mean, to me, it was a gift though. You knew that no matter what happened, you weren't going see that you got an expectation to see that money back.

Marlee: 

That's right, exactly. And I can tell you that because I, again, did communicate my thoughts, my feelings, but I also was empathetic towards his situation and I tried to show him acceptance of the financial limitations and respect. 

10:16

We did develop this great trust and, and I can tell you that, believe it or not, after we broke up, he sent me a check. 

Lis:

Wow. 

Marlee:

To cover all the times that I covered rent or car payments or something for him. 

Lis:

Wow. 

Marlee:

Yeah, he did. And I had the utmost respect for him still for doing it. You know what I mean? 

10:35

He didn't have to, we broke up on good terms. But for him, once he kind of got more financially settled, he felt it was important to send that message. And so that's what I mean, when you enter into relationship, you have to be honest about what you are carrying. 

Lis:

Yes. 

Marlee: 

You know what kind of baggage you have. 

10:54

Like is it carry-on size? Is it the big suitcase that you get carry to extra stuff, or is it like that big cargo trunk? That's what I mean. Like so you have to be honest about what you bring. And also, what you're willing to take on. I think it's important that people understand they don't have to.

11:18

Lis:

It's okay to say no. I think that's right. All a part of being romancipated, right? I mean, you have the opportunity to choose your own path. and not to follow the norms. You don't have to go by any old playbook. You don't have to go by anybody else's playbook.

11:37

Marlee:

That's right. You know, it's like when the guy, when you're waiting in line and the security guy comes and asks, did you pack your own bags? And you're like, yes, I did. Is there anything illegal in there? You're like, no, hope not. And then the person behind you is like, Hey man, I got three bags and I see you only have one. 

11:57

Would you mind taking one of mine? And you're like, are you crazy? 

Lis:

Who does that? 

Marlee:

A cheap person. No. Yeah. You know what I mean? Of course, I'm not going to take on your baggage. Like you have the right to say no. 

Lis:

That's right. 

Marlee: 

You're like, I don’t know what's in there. And, listen, even if the guy opened the suitcase in front of me and said, look, it's all just clothes, I'd still be like, not my problem.

12:15

I'm not taking it. You didn't need to pack this. You know? So, I do think that there is something about being able to walk away, and for me that is part of being romancipated. Being able to say, you know what? I don't have to just accept everything that you come with, if it's violating my boundaries, or if you feel entitled to tell me that I have to take it on. 

12:40

So we kind of just touched on like the sort of more obvious baggage, I do think that for a lot of people, like you said, debt sometimes isn't very obvious. It can be hidden and if somebody does hide debt, right? Wow. Red flag. 

Lis:

Yeah, red flag. 

Marlee:

But I will say to you that I think that there's a lot of emotional baggage that people bring. 

13:00

Lis:

Oh Absolutely. I'm so glad you just brought that up. You're right. 

Marlee:

And you know from, again, past relationships, family, things like that. And let me get your perspective, because, you know, do you think that you have to help them carry that kind of baggage? 

Lis:

I think those kind of issues, it's a huge play on your empathy.

13:23 

I think that you should be empathetic towards your partner when they come to you and or not even come to you, but you realize that they have, maybe it's a trust issue. 

Marlee:

So let's have you unpack, see we're continuing that analogy.

Lis:

Like I see where we're going with that. 

Marlee:

So, seriously, you're in a relationship Lis and the guy, his last girlfriend cheated on him. 

13:44

Lis:

It happens.

Marlee:

And he mentioned it to you. You know, that's one of the reasons why they broke up and he's just not trusting you. He's asking to look through your phone, right? He's asking for your email password. He's calling you every two hours, you know, asking you where you are.

14:06

Lis:

Personally, I would be, get out of my space. I would feel overwhelmed by that, but I would say that if I really liked this person and I felt as though we had a potential to have something right in the future, you know, I feel like I would give him the opportunity to work on it. 

14:28

You know, I mean, I would call him out on it and say, listen, like that is not respecting my boundaries. I'm happy to have you look through my pictures. I don't care. I don't have anything to hide. If you don't trust me and I haven't given you a reason not to trust me, that's not a me problem. 

14:44

That's a you problem. Right? 

Marlee:

Right.

Lis:

And I think that you have to take ownership of your own baggage. And I think all of us, like I said, we all come with it, but I think if he was not willing to work on it and it wasn't something that he was going to prioritize, moving past right from his past relationship, then I would have to walk away. 

15:07

I don't think that that is something that I could continue on with personally. 

Marlee:

Okay, so then some people can. You would not help him carry it? 

Lis:

I wouldn't help him. I'd drop that bag. I drop it. 

Marlee:

Hopefully not on his foot. 

Lis:

Well, maybe. Maybe I would. Yeah. Did he go through my phone? 

Marlee:

No. I mean, so these are the kinds of things that I think are really important for people to recognize. 

15:31 

I think you need to accept that other people have baggage. But like you said, you need to set your boundaries as to what exactly you're willing to accept. I think you need to communicate it. Right? And I think that you need to be empathetic and understand why that somebody's bringing this to the relationship. 

15:50

But just because you understand it doesn't mean that you have to accept it and that it becomes your problem. Right? And that is where I think a lot of people really make that mistake. And what that's how you opened this episode is that people are sort of conventionally taught that love is enough and that you will accept all of these things that maybe you shouldn't because you love the person.

16:20

Lis:

I love him. Yes. You're so right. 

Marlee:

I just disagree. A romancipated person knows love is not enough. There needs to be so much more, and I actually think you are giving support to a person, when you say, go work out, get bigger muscles so you can carry your own baggage. You know, I'm going to cheer you on. 

16:46

I'll bring you some water while you're on the treadmill, while you're lifting the weights. Right. But the fact is, this is your problem. You are the one with this baggage, and I'm going to be understanding. But I'm not going to make it my issue. Now, I will say, if you are going to be one of those people where you're going to take it on. 

17:08

And you and I both know those types. 

Lis:

Oh yeah. I get it. I I've actually been there. 

Marlee:

Yeah. Listen, if you're going to take it on, then you know what? Do it. But you better be ready for all the consequences. As long as you know what you're getting into. 

Lis:

That's right. And you understand that the outcome of that is on you.

17:26 

Marlee:

That's right. If you are willing to let your partner, when you're going on that trip, when it's a three-day trip and you're letting them pack four bags and you know they only have two hands and you have only one bag, you know the expectation.

17:45

Lis:

I'm just saying, I'm hoping one of them has wheels.

17:50

It's venting time with Marlee and Lis. 

Marlee:

It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. 

Lis:

Yay. 

Marlee:

Today's topic, When People Let Their Friends Decide if the Relationship is a Good Fit. 

Lis:

Oh, Uhhuh.

Marlee:

Oh, I want to hear what you have to say on this one.

18:13

Lis:

All right. All right. I'm going to take it away. What if that particular friend is interested in that person? And guide you in the wrong direction. 

Marlee:

Yes. 

Lis:

Only you know what you're looking for in a partner, so you actually might miss out on something really great just because your friend thinks they know what you want. 

18:31

Your friend may not really want you to meet somebody because they'll lose time with you. Who else are they going out to the bars with?

Marlee:

Ooh, that's a good one. 

Lis:

Maybe they're helping you find someone based on their own desires. 

Marlee:

Oh, I know. That's insightful. 

Lis:

Okay. Marlee, take it away. 

Marlee:

Oh, okay. All right. It shows a lack of maturity. 

18:53

Lis:

Yeah. 

Marlee:

It shows insecurity. It's demeaning to your partner. It's an unfair behavior because the friends could be biased for a multitude of reasons. 

Lis:

Totally. 

Marlee:

A person's not dating a group of friends, they're dating one individual. So only that person should have any say in the relationship. 

Lis:

19:10

Oh my gosh. You better hope. 

Marlee:

So, a person will always have a better sense of if a partner's meeting their relationship wants and needs. It's disrespectful to your partner to do that. It'll cause resentment in your relationship. It erodes trust in the relationship. It's a sign of codependency with your friends.

19:32

Lis:

There's no throuple. 

Marlee:

That's right. It's a huge red flag for me. And it is a more common practice than I think most people understand. 

Lis:

I think so too. Oh my gosh. Those were good ones. I feel like yours are always so punching. I love it. 

Marlee:

I love punching. I love it. But yeah, no, I do not understand this concept of allowing another person to decide if a relationship is a good fit. 

19:56

You're the one who's experiencing it, and you're the one who has to have the opinion. You're in it. Own it. 

Lis:

That's right. Love it. 

Marlee:

Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast, or to learn more about us, visit www.romancipation.com. 

20:16

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20:36 

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