S3 Episode 10: A Healthy Relationship Can Be Had at Any Age
Episode Summary
Whether you’re young, middle-aged or entering your twilight years, it is never too late to find a fulfilling relationship. It does not matter if you are single, dating, committed or married. What counts is the mindset that you bring into the relationship. Every day is a new chance to reset. It is up to you to take control and make the changes necessary to achieve the relationship you desire and deserve.
Old habits, unhealthy dynamics or feelings of helplessness can be overcome. Begin by focusing on developing strong communication, respect, self-love and trust. Recognize that all of us can bring something beneficial to a relationship. Be realistic about your wants and needs and be open to seeing a personal evolution.
Realize that you are more than your looks, finances and profession. Stop listening to society, if the messages you are getting about romantic relationships don’t vibe with what you are looking for. It is your life and you get to decide what you are willing to accept.
At the end of each episode, Marlee and Lis vent about commonly experienced issues in romantic relationships. In this episode, the ladies discuss when a person allows their partner to control who they spend time with outside of the relationship.
Show Notes
Feel like you’re too old or too young to build a healthy relationship? The truth is that a healthy relationship can be had at any age. You don’t need tons of wisdom or experience to build a great relationship if you have all the other necessary ingredients.
Older people who have struggled to build a healthy relationship may feel like it’s too late for them because they feel unworthy or too damaged, but that’s not true. That said, you have to be willing to be open and work on yourself in areas you know you need to (remember, sometimes the problem is you).
The values that trickle down from society and to our kids do influence the way they approach relationships from a young age. For example, women tend to be valued for their beauty. It’s important to be aware of these societal messages and do our best to pass along healthier values to the younger generation.
You can create a healthy relationship no matter where you are in your life as long as you create the right foundation. What’s necessary between both people is respect, trust, admiration, and good communication. While love is great, it’s not a foundational component.
In this episode, the vent session topic is: When people allow their partner to control who they hang out with. This is a sign of an abusive relationship and should not be tolerated. It shows insecurity on the part of the person calling the shots. This jealous behavior is not flattering and could even be dangerous.
Please make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they are released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook.
Visit us at www.romancipation.com
Tired of toxic, boring, or dead-end relationships? Feeling lonely or clueless when it comes to love? Need a fresh perspective? Well, you found it. This is Romancipation, a podcast that challenges conventional ideas about sex, love, dating and mating. Hosts Marlee and Lis offer candid and provocative advice about what it takes to find the partner you deserve.
It's time to rethink your approach to your love life. Take charge and get Romancipated.
Marlee:
Today's topic is A Healthy Relationship Can be Had at Any Age. So I think this is something that I hear a lot from friends of mine as we've been aging, especially as they have children who are starting to enter into romantic relationships.
And it's interesting to me because I think that there's some people who are in the camp that says you need to be a certain age and have a certain amount of maturity to have a healthy relationship.
Lis:
And like wisdom comes with age.
Marlee:
Yeah
Lis:
That kind of a thing.
Marlee:
Yeah. And then there are other people that are in a camp that's sort of like, well, you know, if you've had a lot of bad relationships, you're almost like damaged to the point that you can't have a healthy relationship.
Lis:
Wow.
Marlee:
Yeah. And I'm going to say I disagree with both of those. I think that as people age, hopefully they mature, they evolve. Not always, but that also doesn't mean that people that are young at the beginning of like their teens or young adult lives can't have very healthy loving and high functioning, intimate relationships.
Lis:
I really, no, listen, I was going to say, I love that point, and I was going to ask you, I don't feel like it's taught at home. I mean, listen, like what you see is what you get, right? Like kids emulate what they see at home, and I feel like they take that into their young relationships.
Marlee:
I think that way can go even further than that, than the scripts that they're learning from the adults in their life.
I think that successful relationships aren't per se, based on age or experience. I think they're based on a mutual respect, trust, admiration for your partner. Love is great, but it's never enough. It just isn't. It doesn't matter if the people are technically in love or what that even means. I think that when there's mutual respect, when there's trust, when there's admiration, when there's communication, that's when you're going to have the basis of a very healthy and I think, fulfilling relationship.
And that can happen at any age. And sometimes if you come from a dysfunctional family, if anything, you want to behave opposite of what you're seeing. Sometimes you mimic exactly what you see. It depends on how conscious you are and who your partner is. If you attract a person who's dysfunctional and you're dysfunctional, the dysfunction is just going to keep getting magnified.
But if a dysfunctional person attracts a functioning person, that functioning person can sometimes open the doors…
Lis:
And open their eyes.
Marlee:
…and open their eyes. That's all I'm saying. And the truth is, I do think that often older people who've been through rough times or abusive relationships, they do see themselves as damaged or incapable or even unworthy.
Which I think is really sad of a healthy relationship, but it's just not true. I need people to hear this. It is not true. Any person who's willing to be open, who's willing to have self-awareness, work on issues that they've identified as being a negative in their past or a deal breaker in a prior relationship, they can move on to have a healthy, balanced relationship where they feel fulfilled, where their needs are being met.
Lis:
Well, to me that's almost as though they have to do that work themselves. First, you have to learn to love yourself first, and you have to learn to understand what it is that you need to build a healthy relationship?
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
If you've come from like a dysfunctional past or you've consistently picked bad partners, that is something that's internal to you that you're not feeling satisfied with something in yourself.
Marlee:
I know we have a podcast about this, but the fact is, yes, sometimes the problem is you, we've said that before. You are the one who's in the driver's seat. You are the one who is making the decision as to what relationship you're going to get into, how you're going to allow somebody to treat you. It is really about you.
So, I think you made a very valid point. Relationships do take two to tango. But each person has to take the personal responsibility of who they are and what they're bringing to that relationship, and how they themselves and their behaviors are impacting that relationship. So it's two wholes coming together.
It's not a half coming together to make a whole.
Lis:
Exactly.
Marlee:
And I think that's where a lot of people make the big mistake. They think, oh, it's two halves that have to come together. No, it's two wholes that come together. Two whole people.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
Not half people, whole people. I also think that our definition of what a healthy relationship is changes as we age, as we evolve.
Lis:
Well, because the dynamic and the amount, right? Like when you're starting off in your teens and you have a relationship. This was actually what I was going to say is it just shifts, right? Like the amount, like you cohabitate, you get married, you have kids, like all of those dynamics shift what the relationship will potentially look like and what you need.
But I think I'm going to go back to the teenage self because I'm still thinking about this because I actually completely agree with you. You can have a healthy relationship at any age, I think. However, when you're just starting out, how do we build, because I do think you have to help a teenage self, like understand certain things about trust and about making sure that…
you put yourself into this relationship and you give yourself, because you're giving a part of your personality and you're growing. And self-respect is so important at that age to teach. And I don't think that kids necessarily have all of these tools naturally in them because I still think that they're developing and trying to figure out who they are as a person, and I don't think that all of those things come naturally to them.
Marlee:
Yeah, I would agree with you, but unfortunately that's why you have so many people that start in unhealthy relationships and that continue unhealthy relationships.
Lis:
How do we help them? To me, it's like, how do you teach somebody to understand those things? Well, they can be healthy.
Marlee:
I mean, that's a big ask.
That's number one.
Lis:
It's a million-dollar question.
Marlee:
That's a big ask and that is something I don't think we can fully address in the scope of this particular podcast. So we're going to circle back to that one. But I mean, sort of the short answer to that would be we are as a society, always trying to send messages of what we value, and we as a society need to be really aware of how those messages are impacting our children.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
So our female children are getting messages that we value their beauty, they're getting the message, we value their sexuality, they're getting the message, we value their passivity. And for our male children, they're getting the message, we value their athleticism. We value their strength, we value their willingness to be brave, to challenge, to try something new, to be innovative.
And so as a result, you can see how when those values that trickle down from society into families and then into kids. How a young female might think that her value in a relationship really does come from her budding sexuality and how a male might think that his value comes from being more the person who's directing the relationship, because he should be the one who's taking charge.
And that's a big mistake. And you see how it results. It results in a lot of really messed up relationships and a lot of really messed up people. What I can say to you is in terms of what's healthy, everybody would argue differently, I think, as to what they think are healthy things that should be passed on to their children.
But I do think that relationships tend to reflect the values of society. And part of what we're trying to do with Romancipation is we're challenging some of society's held views as to how males and females should behave, particularly in a relationship. And that's part of the goal of Romancipation is if you're wondering why following the sort of traditional ideas haven't been working for you, this might be a light bulb moment for you.
I don't know, it might not be. But these are the types of things that we're going to keep addressing sometimes at a larger societal level, sometimes at a much more intimate, personal level. But ultimately, these are great questions. These are questions that people need to be asking themselves. What is giving me the tools?
To be able to have a happy and a healthy relationship.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
And I can tell you right now the internet is not…
Lis:
...the tool.
Marlee:
The tool. If anything, it is becoming very destructive in human interpersonal relationships.
Lis:
Because it's a highlight reel. I mean, there's so much information.
Marlee:
I mean, there's so reasons why.
Lis:
You're right.
No, I mean, the list could go on and on, right? Because anybody can find something out there that agrees with something that they believe or that they're saying. So rather than putting yourself out there and challenging, Is this the right way to think? Is this the wrong way to think? Like is there something else out there?
Marlee:
So, I mean, look, it is…
Lis:
It's a hard time.
You and I, as adults who've lived a lot of life and been pretty darn successful in it, in our romantic relationships. For any person who's listening, this is what I'm telling you. A very strong and healthy and mutually beneficial relationship is built on the foundations of mutual respect. Trust.
Strong communication and admiration. Note that love is not in there. I love, love, love is great, but love is different for different people. And I'm just going to say, you can have an incredible relationship and have a lot of love that another person would not see as love. Mutual respect. Trust. Mutual admiration. Strong communication.
These are the four cornerstones of a strong and healthy relationship.
Lis:
Agreed.
It's venting time with Marlee and Lis.
Marlee:
It's that time when Lis and I get to vent our frustrations over commonly experienced tissues in romantic relationships. Today's topic. When People Allow Their Partner to Control Who They Hang Out With.
Lis:
Ugh.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
It's just a big ick, but yes.
Marlee:
Yeah. If you don't mind, I'm going to go first.
Lis:
Please do.
Marlee:
This I think is a very serious vent, so I just want our listeners to understand that we're coming from a very serious place.
Lis:
It is. Yeah.
Marlee:
I'm going to start off by saying it is a huge red flag. It is a sign of an abusive relationship.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It should not be tolerated in a relationship.
Lis:
Nope.
Marlee:
It is due to severe insecurity on the part of the person who is calling the shots.
Lis:
Yep.
Marlee:
It is often associated with jealous behavior, which is dangerous and not flattering. If a person allows it because they think it's a sign of love, they are greatly mistaken.
It is an attempt to cut you off from a support system.
Lis:
Yeah.
Marlee:
The only time that this would be acceptable is if it is a situation where you are supporting your partner through an addiction, and the people that you are trying to stop them from hanging out with are individuals that trigger that addiction, whether it's drugs, drinking, gambling, something that has had a very harmful impact on your partner and your family.
Lis:
That's a really good point. And actually, I did not think of that, but that's a really excellent point.
Marlee:
So let me hear yours.
Lis:
I'm going to start by saying that this is a blatant sign of control and manipulation.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
But I kind of want to take my event in a direction of how people may have gotten here, because I actually think that people…
get to this place, and sometimes they don't even realize that they've been manipulated.
Marlee:
Right. Yes,
Lis:
I've had friends that have been flattered by a partner's jealousy to begin with. In the beginning, they viewed it as endearing and kind of a sign of how much this person loved them or cared about them.
Marlee:
Yeah.
Lis:
Or was attracted to them.
And then it became more intense and became scary and possessive. So to me it's kind of like you get to these places and you don't even realize it. Sometimes it becomes easier for the person to just accept it because they get so tired of arguing that they should be allowed to go out with these people or visit their family or do these things that they just end up relenting.
Marlee:
Yes.
Lis:
And just rather than getting into this argument, they become more passive about it. Their partner might not respect your need for alone time or time with other people, and it's another way of zapping your strength and making you feel guilty for time that you need on your own potentially to recharge or to go out and do things aside from them that you enjoy doing without them present.
These people will use it as a guilt tool, and many controlling people are skilled manipulators and making their partners own emotions work in their favor. Trying to like turn it around and make them feel guilty about wanting to do something. So I kind of feel like the bottom line is when somebody is trying to control you, it's never coming from a place of love, but it's actually the opposite.
They're fearful. They're fearful of losing you, they're fearful of not being able to control you, and controlling behavior and manipulation are toxic and never aligned with an open and honest communication, which is what a healthy relationship is all about.
Marlee:
That's right. Listen, you nailed it. And I think it's critical that people understand that…
…there is a big difference between not liking somebody's friend or family member because you don't get along with them.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
But here's the deal. Your partner has every right to hang out with that person, and if the individual that you feel is somehow toxic to your relationship, It's got to be your partner that recognizes that and ends the relationship.
Lis:
That's right.
Yeah.
Marlee:
You can't demand it.
Lis:
Nope.
Marlee:
You can't insist on it. The only thing you can do is act on your own behalf.
Lis:
Right.
Marlee:
Self-preservation.
Lis:
Right, exactly.
Marlee:
So if you feel there is a person that your partner is spending too much time with and you think it's a threat to your relationship, and you are clear about your reasons and they're actually justified and your partner doesn't want to listen to, or dismisses you?
That is a big message to you that maybe this is not the relationship for you.
Lis:
That's right.
Marlee:
But you do not get to dictate to another person.
Lis:
Nope.
Marlee:
Lis and I want to thank you so much for joining us this week. To view the complete show notes and a recap of today's podcast or to learn more about us visit www.romancipation.com.
Before you go, make sure you subscribe to the podcast so you can receive notifications of new episodes right when they're released. Also, make sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. If you're enjoying the podcast, please let us know by leaving a five-star review on Apple or a five-star rating on Spotify reviews.
Let Apple know that great listeners like you enjoy our show and that helps us expand our audience. Thanks again and stay Romancipated.